Trump: Revoking Virtual Terrorist Tour Visa "A No Brainer"

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing national security concerns, President Donald Trump has issued an executive order revoking the tour visa of Canadian techno-industrial darling Virtual Terrorist, effective immediately.

In a rare acquiescence to a press request, the President agreed to meet briefly with Riveting News. Immediately after entering through the White House's newly installed revolving door, we were greeted by two unpaid secret service agents. After being led to a room closely resembling a large college dorm, Mr. Trump paused his game and sat down with us to discuss his newly inked executive order.

"No one ever banned this guy. Obama didn't do it. No one did. He's been around for years. Terrorist is right in the name. It's a no brainer. Visual Terrorist [sic]. He's Visual. You can see him. Obama saw him. He did nothing. I'm not gonna say he hates America. I'm not gonna say it. I won't say it. But I really think that he must hate America though if he's letting this guy in," explained Trump.

When informed that Virtual Terrorist was the name of a Canadian electronic music project, and not an actual terrorist, Trump responded, "Look, you say Canada. It could be Russia. Or China. Or some other bad, bad country like ISIS. Maybe it could be Canada. And Canada is killing us with NATO, by the way. Killing us. Big league. And I think it's very, very bad. CNN won't tell you. They're fake news. You might be too. I don't know. Let's say you are. We're talking right now, OK? I think that you're probably not having the bad ratings they're having over there. I really think that."

The President proceeded to speak for another solid 56 minutes—covering a wide range of topics entirely unrelated to the executive order—at times almost nearing some semblance of coherence.

When pressed for comment about his past Twitter accusations that Riveting News was "fake news," Mr. Trump denied having a Twitter account and dove into a ball pit.

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Lights Out God Help Me Fans Angry After Uneventful Eclipse

PRESQUE ISLE, ME—On Monday, August 21, 2017, North America was treated to an eclipse of the sun. Anyone within the path of totality from Salem, Oregon to Charleston, South Carolina saw one of nature’s most awe inspiring sights. Observers outside this path still saw a partial solar eclipse where the moon covers part of the sun's disk.

Industrial/power noise/killing floor act Lights Out, God Help Me has now drawn ire from fans after his inferred promises about what may take place after the lights go out went unfulfilled.

"There's so much awful shit going on in the world. The lights went out; god didn't help us," said one angry fan.

Others are angry for different reasons.

"He said we'd all burn, we didn't. Said we'd all drown, here we are. I'm beginning to think he doesn't tell the truth," said another questioning fan.

When reached for comment, LOGHM responded, "Are you fucking serious right now?"

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Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Bannon Resignation

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of chief White House strategist Steve Bannon submitting his resignation, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

The news comes only weeks after former communications director Anthony Scaramucci's 11 day stint came to an end. Before his final day, the White House saw the resignations of press secretary Sean Spicer and chief of staff Reince Priebus.

According to The New York Times, Bannon submitted his resignation on August 7, but the announcement of his ouster was delayed until today thanks to the events in Charlottesville. The White House described the departure as a mutual agreement between Bannon and chief of staff John Kelly.

"We are grateful for his service and wish him the best," said press secretary Sarah Sanders.

Bannon took over as Trump's campaign chairman a year and a day ago, and he was credited with bringing much-needed focus and discipline to what had been a seat-of-the-pants operation. Bloomberg Businessweek writer Joshua Green argues that without Bannon's skill at mobilizing disaffected white male voters, "I don't think Donald Trump would have been elected president."

This story is developing. Please check back for updates.

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Cincinatti Zoo Builds Elitist Goth Sanctuary

CINCINNATI, OH—Though the Cincinnati Zoo has become well known for the Harambe Incident in both media and pop culture, the board behind the wildlife sanctuary is about to make a shocking announcement to the world: They are building the world's first Elitist Goth Sanctuary.

Requesting an interview with us for being the leading Industrial/Gothic online webzine we got the chance to speak with board member Joseph Wallace about the upcoming Gothic enclosure. When asked about the idea he stated, "I'm an early '80s Goth, you know. The best kind. Big hair, lots of black on black clothing, The Cure and Siouxsie and the Banshees and all that good stuff. I kept getting sick of all these young kids entering our scene trying to bring color and happiness into it. Emos, scene kids, cyber goths—this isn't Mortal Kombat."

The enclosure is stated to be a three square mile caged environment, complete with a dancefloor, bar, and more. "We didn't want to include too many outside areas for the Goth enclosure, because Goths don't get too much sunlight. We're afraid they're going to burn off and die should they receive too much Vitamin D."

To counter the assault from the sun's rays, they have started construction on an interconnecting and underground bat cave. "Everyone knows that bats are a goth's best friend," continued Wallace, "So why not let the Goths live with them?" The construction workers are planning on littering the floors of the caves with eyeliner, nail polish, and plenty of jewelry.

The Elite Goths are notorious for having a strict and limited amount of songs they enjoy hearing, so Wallace has set up three separate DJ setlists for the Goths. "When they get in the enclosure as their new permanent home, we want them to enjoy themselves. Going into a Goth club you just know that there will be the same songs played over and over again each time you enter a club—which is great. We want to keep the environment stable and enjoyable for the sensitive Elite Goth. Therefore we have handpicked twelve tracks in total which will play on repeat throughout the day. Any more than that would increase the risk of agitation among the occupants as disagreements and genre gatekeeping are more likely to occur."

As of right now, Wallace and his team are bulldozing the grounds where the Goth Sanctuary will be built. Work will be slow and steady, but he plans on having the enclosure ready for public viewing by October of 2018.

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Combichrist to Record EP with Ed Sheeran

UPDATE: Soon after we broke this story, Andy LaPlegua confirmed the previously under wraps collaboration on his personal Instagram account.

LONDON, UK—Andy LaPlegua of Combichrist fame has written several new songs with multi-platinum artist Ed Sheeran as he plots a change in course for his ever-evolving band.

According to our sources, they have co-written a track together, their first time teaming up since LaPlegua first approached the "Shape of You" singer about a collaborative project. Fans will soon be treated to a snippet of the new song on LaPlegua's Facebook page. It's been reported that at least four more songs are in the works.

“They've been friends for years, ever since Andy first ran into Ed at a coffee shop in Los Angeles. He told Ed he'd become a big inspiration for him lately," a source told us. “The collaboration actually came about very quickly earlier this year. Andy was told that Ed was beginning to write a song with him in mind."

An excited La Plegua reportedly flew straight to the U.K. to finish writing the track with Ed, before recording the next day.

While LaPlegua will certainly enjoy the support of Combichrist's already huge fan base, the industrial star is clearly keen to branch out into the folk-pop scene, and working with Sheeran, currently one of the most sought-after songwriters in the music business, will give him a boost.

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