Cold Waves Festival Canceled Due to Impending Heat Wave

CHICAGO, IL—Global Warming has claimed its first victim in the industrial scene. The yearly music festival, Cold Waves, has been canceled due to public safety concerns after meteorologists have predicted a massive heat wave lasting well through autumn. This...

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Goldman Sachs Acquires Dope Stars Inc. in $2.3 Billion Merger

WALL STREET—Goldman Sachs (NASDAQ:GS) announced today the completion of the merger with Dope Stars Inc. (NASDAQ:DSI), headquartered in Rome, Italy. The investment firm had spent eight months in negotiations with Victor Love who will hold a seat on the board of...

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Sheeple Outraged After 3Teeth Proves Existence of Third Twin Tower on September 11th

FACEBOOK—Many conspiracies have sprung up surrounding the tragedy that took place on September 11th in 2001. 3Teeth frontman Alexis Mincolla has revealed that a third tower existed and was also destroyed; one that they don't want you to know about. On September 11th,...

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Millennials Are Killing Industrial Music

By Steven Gullota As if it was not enough for Millennials to kill the fabric softener, shaving cream, and restaurant industries, as well as banks, Hooters, NASA, cocaine, the American Dream, and a list that goes on and on and on, Generation Y is now seeking to destroy...

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Biblical Historian Claims Jesus Never Built Hotrod

CINCINNATI, OH—One local researcher has done a thorough investigation into claims made by the renowned industrial rock band Ministry. “Their 1991 single, ‘Jesus Built my Hotrod’, features guest vocalist Gibby Haynes from the Butthole Surfers claiming, as you would...

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