Report: Not Every Day is Halloween

Written by The Spoon Feed

EL PASO, TX—Industrial band Ministry is in hot water after a report has been released from the University of Chicago disputing the claims of their classic song, Every Day Is Halloween. The fifty page report details top research conducted within the University’s Astronomy Department for the past two years.

“All signs point to the contrary,” says Director of Astronomical Studies, George Kugler. “The lunar calendar has 365 days per year—366 days on a leap year. In all of our tests, only one of these days has turned out to be Halloween. That’s only 0.274% of the year as opposed to the 100% which Ministry claims as fact. So what’s really staggering isn’t just the fact that everyday is not Halloween, but the fact that such a small fraction of the calendar year is actually Halloween.”

Fans have already begun reacting to the scandal, burning albums and memorabilia in the streets. A Change.org petition is circulating calling for the band’s founding member, Al Jourgenson, to step down from his position.

“This is a real bummer,” comments Seth Gorman, 23. “Ministry really let me down—let us all down. We’ve all been living this life thinking that everyday was Halloween and it turns out only one day is Halloween. I mean, what else have they been lying about? Did Jesus actually build his hotrod, or was that all a lie too? I don’t know what’s real anymore. I’m just really disappointed.”

Ministry has not released an official statement yet, but several shows have been canceled by promoters fearing bad press.

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Goth Discovers That Halloween Is Not Only Holiday

ALLENTOWN, PA—In a shocking turn of events, a sheltered Goth has finally learned that Halloween is not the only holiday celebrated in America and around the world.

35-year-old basement dweller James Joby has taken to YouTube ever since 2009, creating Vlogs about Gothic, Scene, and Emo culture without ever leaving the confines of his own home. The man frequently orders in chokers, pink lipstick, and Marilyn Manson gear and clothing. While he had a string of popularity with other males in the field of the same girth, Joby has since lost a following in his later years.

Joby said, "The people who stopped following me are the ones that turned their back on this lifestyle. They had it going on when they were in their teenage years, maybe early twenties, but eventually turned their back. They were nothing but posers. I am in this for life."

But the shocking revelation about other holidays came later for the home-schooled man. When speaking to his mother, Cynthia Joby, she said, "I would always try to give him gifts for Christmas, but he would always just scoff and laugh at me saying that Santa Claus doesn't exist and to stop 'Fucking with me about these fake ass holidays.' I was highly offended, and now I have a back catalog of butt plugs and other sex devices he always wanted stuffed in a closet. I sure hope none of his relatives ever find that—it would be hard to explain."

However, after meeting a fellow online Vlogger whose identity shall remain anonymous but is known as xxFatGirl_FatTitsxx online, his life was forever reshaped. Joby stated that she one time exclaimed, "Happy Easter" while in chat, and Joby laughed. It was only after she explained to him all the holidays that he finally accepted the reality that Halloween is not the only holiday.

Joby has been researching all the new holidays with feverish curiosity. "Christmas, St. Patrick's Day...I don't know. I think Valentine's Day sounds pretty cool. It would be nice to know what another human's touch and love feels like," Joby discussed while speaking with us.

Joby has since stated that he will make an attempt to meet and greet xxFatGirl_FatTitsxx in real life, though he has a suspicion it is his mother in disguise attempting to make him leave home and never come back.

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Edgy Teen Discovers Satan Actually Pretty Chill Guy

SEEDTOWN, NC—Satan has always been depicted as an evil force or entity who is hell-bent on ensuring the destruction of Christianity, as well as suckling every living Soul into his fiery domain. However, Kyle Lubitz, a Freshman at Yellow Fountain High School in Seedtown, North Carolina has just discovered an opposite truth.

"I don't know man. I always thought Satan was all about sacrificing goats and fucking over the world and everything. But the truth started coming out when I saw how many people in the Black Metal scene are actually vegans. That was the first red flag I saw," Lubitz stated.

Lubitz, a dedicated fan to cult Black Metal outfits such as Abbath and Moloch, has been listening to the projects ever since the beginning of the school year. The face paint, dedication to dark sigils, and Satan himself led the child to believe Satan was a bad person. But after reading about the deity online, he came away unsatisfied with Him.

"All these movies out there depict the forces of evil as being disgusting, nasty, and nothing but murderous jerks. The Satanic Bible actually makes Satan sound pretty chill and cool. I don't understand it. How am I supposed to get through my most hormone filled stage when I don't even know what my deity is all about?" Lubitz continued.

Lubitz found a group of Satanists within his own high school and was confused when he got kicked out. Speaking to the head of the Satanic Friendship Club at Yellow Fountain High School, Miranda Smith, she stated, "Yeah, when we first met Kyle, he really, really wanted to know when we were going to kill a cat or murder his ex. We kind of tried to tell him that's not what we're about. He got angry with us. Still, if we could enlighten him that would have been awesome. Now he's finding stuff out on his own. Wouldn't you know it... We were right. Fucking Kyle."

Lubitz has since stopped worshiping Satan and has moved onto worshiping Ronald McDonald. Lubitz continued, "At least that clown is responsible for a few thousand deaths per year. Fuck Satan. I'll have Ron curse everyone I know."

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Band Asks for Fans' Phone Concert Footage to Make World's Shittiest Music Video

CONCORD, ME—Independent project Mechanical Zebra Carcass—whom you may remember as the notorious band who accidentally built a deck while using power tools on stage—is still desperately trying to stand out in the industrial scene by compensating for their complete lack of originality and substance. This time they are relying on the average concertgoer's tendency to care more about proving that they attended a show than they do actually enjoying it regardless or how much they fuck up everyone else's experience.

Local fans, once eventually located and asked, had initially speculated a possible new image for frontman Scario Maclaver. Rumors of a meat dress or fake breasts were discussed in a short post by a not fake account in the band's Facebook group, which boasts over 4,000 members—some of whom actually know they are in it.

Until today, Maclaver and the rest of the band have stayed tight-lipped about their big plans. The answer came earlier today from a video shared on the rather arcane social media service, Keek. The video was uploaded at 3:42am, almost completely black and it contained Maclaver saying but a few words. “We need all of your cell phone shot concert footage. We are making our mark with the world’s shittiest music video. If anyone has any cell phone footage of our shows, send it to us immediately. And if we can get anything shot on a flip phone, that'll really put this shit over the top. That's the holy grail, man.”

A captured WeChat conversation between synth player Shavro Uticrus and an unknown person confirmed the validity of the video and also made the details a little clearer. The anonymous person asked Uticrus, “What are you guys even doing with a bunch of crowd videos? That’s going to look like shit.” To which Uticrus replied, “That is the point. The indistry [sic] even with industrial music has got to [sic] polished. It's gonna be huge. I'm thinking Guiness [sic] Records is a possibility to [sic].”

To read the full transcript of the conversation, click here.

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Scientists Currently Developing Cure for Chiptune

BONN, DE—Scientists with the World Health Organization are currently working on a vaccine to stop the spread of chiptune and its current infection of industrial and electronic music.

The 8-bit menace has been ravaging the industrial scene for years, but a group of dedicated WHO researchers lead by Dr. Neil Andrews are optimistic that a fully synthesized cure is just around the corner. One that could potentially even reverse the damage it's caused.

Dr. Andrews explained, "Our ultimate goal is to completely reverse the degradation of industrial's DNA caused by the chiptune infection. The first step, of course, is to develop a vaccine and immediately begin the inoculation of all unaffected projects. Once the infection has been contained, retroviral treatments for those currently inflected would be the next step."

There are currently two teams operating under Dr. Andrew's supervision, each tasked with developing one of his self described "two pronged attack" on the sonic pestilence. While they are coordinating and sharing their research, the team in charge of developing the vaccine seems to be the main focus.

"As much as we'd like to save those already infected, if we can't protect presently uninfected bands, there's not much hope for the genre. For instance, many of my colleagues don't believe there is any hope for Victor Love. It's possible that Master Boot Record is a terminal condition," lamented Dr. Andrews. While many in the scene believe the infected may be beyond saving, his team remains hopeful that a cure may one day become a reality and make way for another Dope Stars Inc. record.

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