Goth Model Pretends Black Licorice Isn't Fucking Gross

BELFORD, ME—Everyone knows black licorice is gross, and if you like it, you're wrong. That hasn't stopped 23-year-old Lasandra Nightfaery, a gothic Instagram "model" from insisting that she enjoys eating the chewy nightmare sticks.

"Black red vines are may fav!!  #licorice #redvines #yummy #favoritesnack #black #loveblack #allblackallthetime #goth #gothic #gothmodel #feelingpretty #lace #blacklace," said the lying sociopath when she posted a picture of herself clearly not even eating the disgusting strips of black death.

After 12 minutes of raging over having to read the phrase, "black red vines," I picked myself up off the floor and caught my breath. Intellectually, I knew she was referring to black licorice made by the Red Vines licorice brand, but I was already psychologically crippled by the nerve of this woman's twisted insistence that rotting rat carcasses make a good snack when compressed and twisted into rope. Everyone has their breaking point.

As of press time, there were a dozen comments on Ms. Nightfaery's fauxtograph, including three from seemingly like-minded fraudsters claiming to also have the ability to consume The Upside Down's version of a Slim Jim without vomiting every ounce of bile from within their wretched bodies.

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Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following McMaster Resignation

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of Lt. Gen. H. R. McMaster submitting his resignation, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

Little more than a week after the firing of Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, Gen. H. R. McMaster, the battle-tested Army officer tapped as President Trump’s national security adviser last year to stabilize a turbulent foreign policy operation, will resign and be replaced by John R. Bolton, a hard-line former United States ambassador to the United Nations, White House officials said Thursday.

General McMaster will retire from the military, the officials said. He has been discussing his departure with President Trump for several weeks, they said, but decided to speed up his departure, in part because questions about his status were casting a shadow over his conversations with foreign officials.

This story is still developing. Check back for future details.

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Addict Sells Vintage Collection of Methamphetamine to Pay for Synth Habit

BIRMINGHAM, AL—It's no secret that synthesizer addiction is quickly becoming a national epidemic. The actions of one addict, Bradley Taylor, 34, has made it clear that the trend shows no sign of slowing down. After an unsuccessful intervention staged by his friends and family, Taylor agreed to open up about the terrible disease he is not yet ready to address.

"I remember when I first tuned in," said the fixed-pitch virtual analog user, but like most synthetic users, he quickly escalated. "I needed something purer, and I moved on to actual analog," Taylor explained. "It's just that, stepped filters weren't cutting it for me. The MicroKorg was a terrible gateway. I quickly began looking for things to sell to afford my addiction—and eventually turned to my vintage collection of methamphetamine."

The methamphetamine in question once belonged to Taylor's late grandfather, Darryl Taylor who died in a meth lab explosion in a shed located on his property. After years of remaining hidden in a stainless steel Kiss thermos under the sink, Taylor's father discovered the antique narcotics while fixing a clogged drain and later willed it to his son after losing a long battle with colon cancer.

While Taylor has noticed changes in his personal health, including more regular blood pressure, improved sleep, and an overall sense of fulfillment, he still misses his vintage collection of individually bagged grams of crank. Towards the end of our interview, the crazed addict began frantically searching his living room for other items to pawn in support of his habit, and threatened this publication with paranoid analog-drift delusions.

Interview conducted by Kevin Barron.

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Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Tillerson Firing

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of Secretary of State Rex Willerson's ousting, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

In the latest in a long line of White House resignations and firings, President Donald Trump has removed him as Secretary of State and replaced him with current CIA Director Mike Pompeo, after months of speculation surrounding Tillerson's role in the Trump administration, a fact that Tillerson found out at the same time as the public.

Mr. Trump tweeted the news of Tillerson's ouster, thanking Tillerson for his service.

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

Mike Pompeo, Director of the CIA, will become our new Secretary of State. He will do a fantastic job! Thank you to Rex Tillerson for his service! Gina Haspel will become the new Director of the CIA, and the first woman so chosen. Congratulations to all!

7:44 AM - Mar 13, 2018

Before the president's tweet, the Washington Post first reported news of Tillerson's firing.

As Mr. Trump departed for a California trip Tuesday morning, he told reporters that he and Tillerson "disagree on things," and he singled out the Iran nuclear deal as an issue.

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