Grandmother Disapproves of Grandson's Lifestyle

RUTHERFORD, CT—68-year-old Gladys "Nightwitch" Hanson is not happy with her grandson, Kyle, 27, for becoming a junior financial analyst at one of Dawson Financial's satellite offices in New Haven.

"I don't know why he can't be more like his brother, Ravenblood," lamented Hanson, referring to her other grandson, Josh Hanson, who DJs every month at Leather & Lace Night, heads the Mechanical Zebra Carcass fan club, and is engaged to his high school sweetheart, Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker.

When asked if there were any warning signs, Hanson's brow furrowed as she began to nod silently.

"When Kyle started wearing American Eagle in high school, I thought it was just a phase. Then he went to college for business, and I really started to worry. It wasn't until he started volunteering for the city alderman's reelection campaign that I knew something was definitely wrong," she recalled.

"I don't know how it came to this. My son, Darkthorn, was a good father. Honestly, I blame my whore daughter-in-law, Jessica. She works at a bank."

When reached for comment, Kyle Hanson's outgoing voicemail message stated that he was out of town for a business conference.

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Aphex Twin Admits He Literally Has No Idea What He’s Doing

SCOTLAND—Richard D. James of Aphex Twin fame admits to us in an interview: "Yeah, I just go on stage and twiddle knobs until people start cheering."

When asked to explain further, James confesses that he has never really written a single song. Every morning he wakes up to a completely new song recorded, mixed, and mastered.

When asked how this was possible, James stated that one day he watched a box full of "musical doodads" get hit by a strange bolt of lightning, and afterwards the electronics started creating otherworldly sounds. When asked what gear was struck, he promptly said, "Gears? I'm a musician, not a clocksmith..."

Incredibly, when he showed us his studio, it was devoid of any and all equipment apart from an Apple Macintosh II computer running Linux and a pair of unplugged speakers. When asked where his synthesizers were, James replied, “My what? Oh, yeah, those things,” and then didn't answer the question.

James claims he will release new music if, "The rains are good this year," and hopefully they are.

Written by Isaac Martin

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Ghostfeeder Opens Food Pantry for Disembodied Spirits

TAMPA, FL—Synthrock electropop project Ghostfeeder has started a nonprofit organization dedicated to feeding apparitions in need.

"I just wanted to give back. It makes my day when someone comes in who had recently died of starvation," said frontman Derek Walborn.

The idea came to him when an earthbound specter approached him after a show expecting food. "I was confused. I thought he was just goth, but then I realized he was actually dead," recounted Walborn.

Although Walborn does not overtly advertise it, his food pantry features a back room with a cooler full of blood bags for malnourished poltergeists who have lost their hosts. Indeed, he is wholly dedicated to providing sustenance for a diverse group of ghosts.

Said Walborn, "I don't discriminate or judge. Maybe they have perfectly legitimate resentments toward the living; we don't know. Imagine how hard it must be to glom onto a family or person you've decided to terrorize and then they go and die in an accident that you didn't even get to cause."

Ghostfeeder's food pantry for phantoms is open Monday through Friday from dusk til dawn and on Halloween regardless of what day of the week it falls on.

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Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Bolton Firing

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of John Bolton's firing as national security adviser, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

Sessions is the latest in a long line of White House resignations and firings.

President Trump announced Tuesday that he had fired his national security adviser, John Bolton, saying in tweets that he “disagreed strongly with many of his suggestions.”

“I informed John Bolton last night that his services are no longer needed at the White House,” Trump said.“I asked John for his resignation, which was given to me this morning. I thank John very much for his service.”

I informed John Bolton last night that his services are no longer needed at the White House. I disagreed strongly with many of his suggestions, as did others in the Administration, and therefore....

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 10, 2019

Trump said he would name a replacement next week.

Bolton, a former diplomat and political commentator who came on board in April 2018, was Trump’s third national security adviser.

Trump’s harshly worded tweet made clear that long-simmering frustration with Bolton had boiled over. Bolton immediately took issue with Trump’s assertion that he was fired, saying that he had offered his resignation. “Let’s be clear, I resigned, having offered to do so last night,” Bolton told The Washington Post.

So, basically, Trump pulled a, "You can't quit, you're fired!"

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R. Kelly Petitions Judge to be Let out of Solitary Confinement, Placed in Women's Juvenile Facility

CHICAGO, IL—Lawyers for the embattled former R&B star filed an emergency motion on Thursday arguing he should be released from solitary confinement while awaiting trial on child pornography charges.

Kelly is getting no sunlight, no "meaningful interaction with underage girls," limited email access, and is allowed to shower just three times a week, his lawyers said in the motion. They claim he is being unfairly targeted because of his charges and because of his celebrity status.

Kelly is being held in the Metropolitan Detention Center in Chicago after being arrested by federal authorities on child pornography and sex abuse charges in July.

After his arrest, the Bureau of Prisons determined Kelly could not be held in general population at the prison for his own safety, according to the motion.

But when Kelly requested to be transferred out of solitary confinement, BOP said he would not be eligible for a transfer to a women's juvenile facility “because of his alleged offense and notoriety and the fact that he is an adult man,” according to the motion.

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Mattel Set to Release New Cybergoth Barbie

Dolls by Dakota's Song

Ever since the 1959 launch of Barbie, Mattel has been considered the crowned ruler of the toy industry, second only to LEGO. But in their time on this Earth Mattel has always been lacking consideration for a certain niche scene: the cybergoth community.

With its ever-growing presence and viral videos of the cybergoth community celebrating Christmas by dancing to Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You', it was only a matter of time before Mattel began listening to the cybergoth community. At the local toy store, we found Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker browsing through a selection of Barbie's to much discontent.

"Why can't I be represented in the Barbie line-up?" asked Nightfaery, "I asked one of the employees here if they had any cybergoth barbies, and when I told them what it was, the guy brought me to a section with Mortal Kombat action figures. To say that I was livid is an understatement. I bitched at his manager and hope he gets fired. I'll also be contacting corporate."

Mattel heard the many upset voices in the cybergoth community and finally spoke out. Ynon Kreiz, the CEO of Mattel, spoke out at a press conference with shocking news, "We have heard the cybergoth community speak out, and we are here to showcase our brand new Barbie for your special community. Introducing the Cybergoth Barbie!"

An image of a newly made Cybergoth Barbie was revealed as cybergoth journalists in the crowd danced to Tactical Sekt's hit club song 'Not Entertained'.

The suggested retail price of the newly announced Cybergoth Barbie will be $24.99 USD, and will come packaged with several respirators and gas masks, leather outfits, combat boots, and two different pairs of leg warmers. Also included will be a tiny roll of black nipple tape, marking the first time in history Mattel has in some way acknowledged this missing part of Barbie's anatomy.

Cybergoth Barbie's release date has yet to be revealed. It will be sold exclusively at Toys R Us.

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Caustic Takes Fan's Response to Limited Edition Cassette Literally

MADISON, WI—Matt Fanale, the man behind Caustic and half of Klack has been hospitalized after following the instructions of an unenthused fan at his merch table.

During a recent show at The Crucible, Matt Fanale was working the merch table after his set when a man in his early to mid thirties wearing glasses and a cat t-shirt approached him and complimented him on his performance. Upon thanking him, Fanale promptly drew the man's attention to the large stack of limited edition cassettes left over from the last few albums.

"He's really been pushing these hard. I told him not to do them, because who the hell wants a cassette? Matt was adamant though. He said, 'Tape is the new vinyl, and I'm the new Devo,' whatever that means. But yeah, this was the first time I've seen someone respond honestly and say what we're all thinking," recounted Fanale's partner in music and general wrangler, Eric Oehler.

A fan who witnessed the incident, Lindsey, told us, "Caustic is a natural performer and just wants to please his fans. This wouldn't be the first time he's taken it too far. It just sucks because I was gonna buy one before this all went down."

Fanale was rushed to a nearby hospital for emergency treatment. He has since posted an eBay link to the recovered cassette. An unknown user, "linds1981," currently holds the highest bid at $2.50.

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Goth Anti-Vaxxer Refuses to Listen to The Cure

PORTLAND, OR—Mother of one and businesswoman, Cassandra Becker seems to be your typical American role-model to her one and only child, Lasandra Nightfaery, However, Becker does have a dark secret that may bite her coworkers: She's a Gothic enthusiast, party-goers, and vampire roleplayer by night. However, Becker holds another deep, dark secret that shocks more than just her coworkers and quite possibly angers the entire country: She's an anti-vaccination mother.

Becker has been anti-vaccination since the fad began back in 2018 when a couple of idiots falsely linked vaccinations to autism. "If it's between letting my child horribly die of a preventable disease or letting her live a potentially happy life listening to The Cure well, I'm letting Lasandra die," said Becker, who in one sentence has revealed herself to be the Schrödinger's Cat of being Goth.

This anti-vax mother is extremely strict and rigid when it comes to items in her household that could possibly cause one to come into contact with a vaccination. "We are vegan in this house; I know they put vaccinations in animals. Which means meat at the produce store is spoiled and can cause cancer and autism. So, that's a no go. We eat fruits and vegetables only," Becker stated.

But, through all this, the controversial goth mom has been able to keep friends and family alike near her. However, that is despite one dark and hidden secret neither her nor her daughter, Lasandra, will talk about: Becker refuses to listen to The Cure.

"As an anti-vaxxer, I cannot have myself nor my daughter listening to The Cure! I heard that listening to The Cure can cause autism and I am not having it!" Becker exploded as soon as she was asked why she wouldn't listen to the iconic '80s goth rock band.

When pressed for any evidence to back her claims, we were quickly and quietly escorted out of her home by the knife she held in her hand as she screamed obscenities.

Riveting News intends to organize a concert in the park next to her house featuring a lineup consisting entirely of the The Cure tribute bands. More on that later.

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Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Sarah Sanders Resignation

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders' resignation, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

In the latest in a long line of White House resignations and firings, President Donald Trump has announced that Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be leaving the White House. Early on, Sanders came to accept that President Trump was the real press secretary of this administration. She publicly avoided contradicting him, even if that meant contradicting the truth.

Mr. Trump tweeted the news of Sanders' departure, thanking her for her service and suggesting that she would make a great governor for some reason.

....She is a very special person with extraordinary talents, who has done an incredible job! I hope she decides to run for Governor of Arkansas - she would be fantastic. Sarah, thank you for a job well done!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 13, 2019

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Dense Fog Machine Causes Shipwreck

GRAND HAVEN, MI—Disaster struck last night when a heavy fog obstructed a shipping freighter's view of the stage's strobe light. Local industrial band Mechanical Zebra Carcass was performing when the stage was suddenly struck by the Wilfred Sykes, a 678 feet long cargo ship owned by the Inland Steel Co. The band, whose stage presence has been described as "a counterfeit iPhone unveiling with an synthesizer" had decided to compensate that night by cranking up the venue's fog machine.

The Wilfred Sykes has been sailing the Great Lakes since 1949. It was built by the American Ship Building Co. at Loraine, Ohio, for the Inland Steel Co. It has the distinction of being the first ship constructed on the Great Lakes after World War II. The Sykes has sailed its entire career under the same name, which honors a former president of Inland Steel who retired in 1949 and died in 1964. In 1953, it rescued crew members when the Henry Steinbrenner sank, and was one of the boats that went out searching for the Edmund Fitzgerald when it sank in 1975.

One attendee, Josh Hansen—who insisted we refer to him as "Ravenblood" (which we won't)—said, "There was so much fog, I honestly didn't know where the stage was or that a band was even playing. I thought it was just a shitty DJ who couldn't figure out how to match BPMs."

About the crash, Hanson recalled, "I heard a ship horn, but I thought it was just, you know, like how hip-hop DJs do an air horn? Suddenly, this huge ship comes out of nowhere. I mean, this is Grand Haven, yeah, but you don't normally see ships this close to the club."

Though the ship experienced heavy damage, it fortunately did not sink due to the complete lack of water on the dance floor. Mechanical Whatever frontman Scario Maclaver is said to have been knocked over by the collision, taking his synthesizer down with him. Their song continued to play even after the synthesizer came unplugged and guitarist Shavro had ditched his guitar and dove off stage.

While speaking to a member of the Coast Guard, he was quoted as saying, "What the fuck is going on? None of this makes any fucking sense. Am I still fucked up from last night?"

According to Inland Steel, the ship's captain was given a breathalyzer and found to have not been intoxicated when the incident occurred. It has been determined that the foggy conditions are solely to blame.

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Grendel Slain by Beowulf

MADISON, WI—In a tragic turn of events, the legendary industrial/EBM band Grendel has been slain by a man calling himself Beowulf. The man with a sizable height, rippling muscular stature, and God-like combat abilities tore through security to get to the band. Upon leaping onto the stage, he was heard shouting, "Tis I, Beowulf, hero of the Goths!" Frightened, the band attempted to flee, but their attacker would not allow it. The mighty assailant bore no weapons save for his bare hands and was seen performing the inhuman feat of ripping off frontman JD Tucker's left arm. It is said that Tucker later bled out and died from the violent spectacle set forth on stage.

Several terrified audience members at The Crucible were sobbing as they watched their favorite dark electronic idol being literally torn apart.

We managed to speak to one couple who was at the show, Lasandra Nightfaery and her boyfriend Josh Ravenblood. Nightfaery began by saying that she "thought it was all part of the act," but knew something was wrong once Tucker did not get back up to continue his performance.

"Between that and this guy, Beowulf, boasting about how he took down the 'creature known as Grendel,' I kind of figured that this wasn't a gag or set up," Ravenblood added, "But, all-in-all, the performance was pretty good up until that point. I'd have to give it a five out of seven."

Beowulf has been taken into custody following the incident where he is said to be waiting for riches and rewards for his noble act. Grendel's collective mothers have been taken into protective custody due to reported threats espoused by the man.

Had Grendel not been slain, you could have seen them on tour.

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Orgy Sues Messier 87 Black Hole for Copyright Infringement

LOS ANGELES, CA—The recently released photo of the supermassive black hole at the center of the Messier 87 galaxy has gone viral, thus beginning its 15 minutes of fame. However, a certain group whose 15 minutes has long since passed, is not amused. Seminal late '90s, Hot Topic meets Nu-Metal band Orgy has filed suit against the black hole. Orgy frontman Jay Gordon claims that the astronomical phenomenon recently christened "Powehi" is infringing upon the cover art of Orgy's debut album "Candyass" released in 1998.

According to court records, Los Angeles County Small Claims Court Judge Marshall Hartford was critical of the suit and cited multiple flaws in Orgy's case before throwing it out entirely. Hartford stated that it was not possible to sue a black hole or a galaxy. The veteran judge also pointed out that the galaxy in which Powehi resides is roughly 13.24 billion-years-old, thus preceding the album art design by over 13 billion years. According to witnesses in the court room, this was the moment when Gordon's face went white—presumably out of concern for a potential counter suit.

Sources close to the band say Gordon has plans to sue NASA, but likely does not have the finances needed to do so. There are rumors of a potential GoFundMe campaign, however, Orgy does not have a good track record of successfully crowd sourcing funds.

When reached for comment, NASA hung up.

Headline by Chris Shortt.

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DJ Stephen29 Gets Hot Topic Lower Back Tattoo

No, seriously, he did. We didn't make this up. We saw this and were like, "OK, let's just copypaste reality and have that be the joke article this week." And here we are. Looking at this. A thing that actually exists. On a 27-year-old man's lower back.

Hot Topic is an American retail chain specializing in selling overpriced counterculture-related clothing and accessories to teenagers, as well as licensed t-shirts of long-dead musicians their customers have only vaguely heard of. It's where we all went in our youth in order to express ourselves and torment our parents. It's where we currently sneak into just to check out the shirts real quick after buying eyeliner from Sephora. At our age, we know better than to fuck around with a shitty drugstore brand.

Most of us have since turned our backs on Hot Topic, but one man has turned his back toward it. Completely sober and not withdrawing from any psychiatric medications that we know of, the Cincinnati-based goth/industrial/ebm DJ known as Stephen29 has recently made a life choice to pay homage to the store that helped many of us figure out who we are. It's a choice he stands by, a choice he sat and leaned forward for, and a choice you shouldn't judge.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by nietskce nehpets (@stephen29) on Apr 1, 2019 at 6:41pm PDT

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Ancient Relic Unearthed in Industrial Fan's Closet

LA CROSSE, WI—Just days ago, 34-year-old Dick Wrigley uncovered a rare piece of history while making room in a closet for a safe he recently purchased because I'm an adult with valuables and an old pile of mail that seems important.

The artifact seems to be some sort of sound generation device. Local historians claim that round shiny plates were inserted to generate the sounds. Wrigley has verified these claims by presenting a large container of these plates inside small cases.

"I keep them because I know they're important to me, but I can't remember what they were for," explained Wrigley.

Researchers studying the object have traced its strange marking to a now inactive website believed to have represented Chicago industrial band Cyanotic.

"Dude, I love Cyanotic, but I have no idea what they would have to do with this thing. Seriously, they're awesome. What do you use, Spotify or Apple Music? I'll send you a link," said Wrigley, revealing himself to have a possible link to the device.

When reached for comment on the discovery, Cyanotic front man Sean Payne responded with a YouTube link to pre-visual effects footage from Terminator 2.

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Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross to Score All of Television, Cinema

As of today, celebrated industrial rock veteran, Trent Reznor, and his esteemed writing partner, Atticus Ross, have taken over scoring duties for all watchable media for the foreseeable future.

"After Bird Box got so huge, it was really the only option at that point," the jovial, oft-grumpy Reznor said.

Since their Oscar-winning breakout score to The Social Network, the duo have been in high demand. The harrowing keys set the backdrop of fellow loner and Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, garnering many accolades and new opportunities. After that, they scored 73 more forgettable films and tv shows and local news intros and now, everything.

"It's really not that complicated, there's just this one chord, and it goes to the satellite and... (I have to apologize, but I got lost in the technicalities for two hours)... and with my new job at Apple, they just said we could do them all now," Reznor said as Atticus nodded or napped.

The general public has found that the mix of dissonant plinky keyboards and reverbed synth swells fits nicely into whatever new show they are binge-watching to sporting events to reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond. C-SPAN ratings are reportedly at an all-time high.

They even decided to incorporate one of Nine Inch Nails previous guitar players, who had fallen on hard times.

"I saw a homeless man the other day, belting out in a beautifully painful eruption of grief, so I sent Atts to go do a field recording to use for whatever sad war thing Ken Burns has coming out. Apparently the homeless guy was Aaron North, so we will credit him for that time coming up in the future."

"Looks like his life went more Aaron South," Ross deadpanned.

So what is next for this duo? Video games.

"We are looking to get into a way of scoring all the video games too, but fear we might get sucked into playing them and not accomplish anything for a few years," Reznor said wistfully.

Written by Chris Stienstra

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