'90s Cartoon Aunt May Rumored to Return for Spider-Man 3

HOLLYWOOD, CA—A third MCU Spider-Man film is in the works, and the internet can't stop speculating about its cast. Over the last few months, there's been a whirlwind of rumors surrounding a multitude of characters and actors from past iterations of the Spider-Man franchise coming back in the next film. Until now, the conversation was limited to the Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield movies.

Inside sources have said that producers have been looking back ever further. One anonymous source claims that Kevin Feige has reached out to the cartoon Aunt May from 1994's Spider-Man the animated series which ran on Fox Kids for 5 seasons.

Cartoon Aunt May has not been involved in any projects since the series' cancellation in 1998, so her schedule is presumably wide open. Though much older than the version played by Marisa Tomei, Feige is reportedly confident that she will be able to reprise her role seeing as how cartoons are immortal and cannot die.

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Goth Astrophysicist Leads Research on Dark Matter and Black Holes

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Black holes are some of the most extreme objects in the Universe: the only locations where there's so much energy in a tiny volume of space that an event horizon gets created. Everything that falls past that is forever doomed, simply adding to the black hole's gravitational pull. But what does that mean for dark matter?

Dr. Joshua "Ravenblood" Hanson is an astrophysicist and lecturer at M.I.T. has dedicated his life to answering that question. From outside a black hole, scientists have no way to gain information about what it was initially composed of, but by studying its mass, electric charge, and angular momentum (or intrinsic rotational spin), Hanson is confident its composition and thus interaction with dark matter can be quantified.

"Dark matter has no color charge, baryon number, lepton number, lepton family number, etc. I call it 'Goth Matter.' I also call black holes 'Goth Holes' because they form from the deaths of supermassive stars—which is of course normal, baryonic matter—the initial composition of a newly-formed black hole is always approximately 100% normal matter and 0% dark matter. Even though there's no definitive way to tell what black holes are made of from the outside alone, we've witnessed the direct formation of a black hole from a progenitor star; no dark matter was involved," explained Dr. Hanson as my eyes glazed over and I started trying to remember how many Lilo & Stitch sequels there are. (There are three, plus a television series.)

This went on for 15 minutes. He used a bunch of big sciencey words that very well could have been sci-fi nonsense for all I know. I was hardly listening, but I swear to God he said "Stargate" at one point. Suffice it to say, he's a huge nerd.

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Biden White House Plans Include Finding Weed He Stashed in 2016

WASHINGTON, DC—Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. has been elected as the 46th President of the United States, and he has some unfinished business to attend to.

It seems Joe Biden put the "vice" in Vice President during his time in the Obama administration. According to former White House staff, he would regularly stash his weed in various hiding places, and then get so high that he would forget where it was.

"On more than one occasion, I was instructed to search for Mr. Biden's lost marijuana," said one former staffer who spoke under condition of anonymity.

"Quite often, he would just leave it in the back of the medicine cabinet. The thing is, there are 35 bathrooms in the White House."

The Secret Service reportedly kept a running list of the various locations in which marijuana had been found, presumably to expedite future searches. Common hiding spots include: inside coffee cans, the crisper drawer of two of three refrigerators, behind George W. Bush's presidential portrait, and the inside jacket pocket of Obama's brown suit he vowed never to wear again.

According to one inside source, Biden is relatively sure he left a joint inside a hollowed out copy of Donald J. Trump's "The Art of the Deal," but can't remember if he left it on a shelf in the library or shoved behind a toilet. Either way, he seems relatively certain that Trump would not have found anything inside a book.

Starting January 20th, 2021, Joe Biden will officially put the "Chief" in "Commander in Chief."

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WATCH: Donald Trump Praises Riveting News from Hospital, Slams Brutal Resonance

WASHINGTON, DC—Though he faces serious health concerns due to the novel coronavirus, President Trump has been vigorously sharing his unprompted opinions on random subjects with any and all hospital staff within earshot.

While being treated for COVID-19 with his wife Melania, Trump weighed in on the industrial scene's top two news sites, Riveting News and Brutal Resonance.  Though unexpected, what he had to say was not surprising considering some of the questionable reporting the latter publication has done in recent years. Special thanks to Austin Nasso for this exclusive footage.

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Mail-Order Goth Service Growing in Popularity Thanks to COVID-19

SEATTLE, WA—The months-long shutdown caused by the novel coronavirus has made it nearly impossible to meet fellow goths. One eccentric entrepreneur has found a way to fill the social void left by the mass closures of goth clubs and make a few dollars in the process.

"It's not for anything weird; just to hang out," claims 28-year-old Josh "Ravenblood" Hanson, seemingly the most naïve man in the universe.

"I found that I really miss talking about tattoos and which bands have sold out while smoking outside the club. I figure I'm not the only one."

Hanson's company, Goth-in-a-Box, offers multiple options to potential customers: a one time purchase of a gender identity of your choosing, a discounted mystery box that "may or may not contain an emo dude," or a monthly subscription service. The latter option one can only assume is geared toward serial killers.

When asked about a return policy, Hanson stated, "We offer full refunds on our one time purchase boxes should your goth turn out to be a poser or sustain a major concussion in shipping. All mystery box sales are final."

The policy is generous, but it's not without its restrictions. For instance, not being familiar with The Cure qualifies for a refund or exchange, but not liking The Nightmare Before Christmas does not.

Though the price is hefty, it should be noted that accessories are not included. Chokers and eyeliner will need to be purchased elsewhere.

As of press time, Hanson has not yet been able to get his products listed on Amazon. It would seem that Amazon will not support the exploitation of human beings unless they are employed by the company.

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Big Dick Goth Boyfriend Overshadowed by Big Titty Goth Girlfriend

CINCINNATI, OH—Being a well endowed male always has its perks; should you and your date take a hot dive at the nearest motel your large member will be an eye catcher and a physical pleasure; becoming a modern day cam-boy could easily become a dream come true; in fact, you're probably the talk of the town between your next door Cougar Mrs. Smith and her friends who look at you through their window with lusty eyes. But just when does being a pizza with extra sausage become more of a shore than an actual fantasy? For big dick goth boyfriend, Josh "Ravenblood" Hanson, it's when he's in public with his big titty goth girlfriend, Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker.

Ravenblood used to be shy about his ten-pound package of beef often choosing to be berated by his teachers in high school when they would call him to the chalkboard; he often chose not to get up as his half-chub would be enormous.

"I wouldn't often think of anything back then," Ravenblood said, "But when I did my mind would wonder into sexual territory and soon enough there would be a volcano bound to erupt. I decided I would rather be scolded than get up."

But his journey into adulthood changed that. Embracing what he was and his larger-than-life status was a difficult journey for him but eventually he found comfort. He said about this revelation, "Yeah, when I was around nineteen I said, 'Fuck it,' and began wearing really tight leather pants in my own home. This was around the time I began dating Nightfaery. But that's where it all went wrong."

"I never really thought of them as being huge nor myself as being a bit titty goth girlfriend. But I guess the internet thinks I am, because every time I post a photo on Instagram, I get at least four different boys in the comments stating, 'MOMMY, GIVE ME MILKY,'" said Nightfaery.

But just as Ravenblood found the courage to go out in public with his bonkrod did he only do so side-by-side with Nightfaery.

"It was awesome; I picked out the perfect pair of black skinny jeans I had and walked right into the biggest mall in the state. But not a word was said about my womb broom; not a single word was spoken about the potential operation of my crane and its wrecking balls could produce. Instead, everywhere we went Nightfaery's slammers were the star of the show. It was the worst fucking day of my life," said Ravenblood.

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Old Boring Band You Pretend to Like Releases New Boring Album You'll Pretend to Like

BERLIN, DE—It's been six way-too-short years since Einstürzende Neubauten's last release. That means it's once again time for industrial fans to pretend to care about the elderly ensemble's new collection of slowly-paced noises with a German dude talking over them.

As one of the Founding Fathers of industrial, it is imperative that any rivet head pretend to like the mundane, idle sounds of this particular group of middle-aged German men. Refusal to do so means you're a poser and also don't actually like modern, danceable industrial music made with synthesizers and software.

This burden is not unique to the industrial scene: Modern metal fans must also masquerade as fans of Black Sabbath. There is, however, a loophole in which one is able to dismiss much of their catalog when using the special passphrase, "It just wasn't the same after Ronnie James Dio."

Modern country fans are seemingly immune to this requirement. There is no obligation to profess admiration for Jimmie Rodgers or even know who he was. Though the reason is not entirely clear, it is most likely a matter of the amount of time that has lapsed since his activity—1927 was a long time ago. It could be argued that it simply due to the fact that modern country music has devolved into twangy butt rock about beer, trucks, and Jesus, but it still begs the question: Why do fans of synth-laden dance music have to pretend to like this dull, clamoring racket?

Modern hip hop fans find themselves in a sort of middle ground. Much like country fans and Jimmie Rodgers, it is perfectly acceptable for a hip hop fan to have never heard of DJ Kool Herc. Pretending to like Run DMC is also not required, though professing respect for their role in the genre's genesis is mandatory.

The true underlying reasons for modern industrial fans being forced to feign taking pleasure in the lifeless rumblings of a deutsch dad band are unclear, but one can only hope that any future solution for this problem can be applied to Coil as well.

Join the resistance and dismiss Einstürzizzle Neubutter with this shirt!

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Hacker Totally Responsible for And One Twitter Rampage

It was totally a hacker who set out to make the barely-still-relevant synthpop act look bad, so you can still play Military Fashion Show when you DJ.

In case you didn't hear, And One has gone fully insane on Twitter after watching "Plandemic" during a meth binge (Editor's Note: The meth part is purely speculation on the part of the author). In addition to calls for Trump to invade their home country of Germany and implying that Hitler wasn't all that bad, they primarily lashed out at World Health Organization Director-General Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus and Bill Gates, two major subjects of the dumb YouTube video posted by an adult man with a gemstone nose piercing. Other targets of And One's wrath included Greta Thunberg, Twitter Support, and a young boy dancing in a video.

This all followed months of weird, Q-Anon, Trumpy Facebook posts that would appear and disappear. Now we're to believe that it was a hacker all this time that managed to perfectly match the cadence and grammar of their regular posts? C'mon, bro, we're buying And None of that.

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Coronavirus Outbreak at Cyber Goth Rave Kills Zero

ISLINGTON, UK—The deadly Coronavirus has made its way to London. One small community, however, has somehow remained uninfected.

An outbreak has rocked parts of the city, hitting peak infection numbers and several deaths over the weekend. One small community in the Islington District has somehow remained an outlier.

It has been determined by the CDC that much of the staff at a local nightclub in London's Islington District has contracted the virus. The club operates two dance floors: an ebm/aggrotech room on the ground level and a darkwave/goth room on the top level. As fate would have it, on this particular night, the event had been downsized to only the ground level aggrotech floor due to several bartenders and a DJ being out sick.

All patrons have shown no symptoms and tested negative for COVID-19, although about a third of the club's regulars have tested positive for gonorrhea. All infected staff have been hospitalized but are expected to make a full recovery.

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