Twitter Infrastructure 'Stronger Than Ever' Says Sole Intern Left in Charge of Servers

SACRAMENTO, CA—When Twitter first started in 2006, it was a simple platform for sharing 140-character messages. Now, more than a decade later, it’s a global phenomenon with over 320 million active users. It’s also my job. As the last intern left in charge of Twitter’s servers, I’ve been tasked with keeping the site up and running.

I’m not an engineer or a programmer. I’m just a college kid who got lucky enough to land an internship at one of the hottest tech companies in the world. When my supervisor told me I would be responsible for keeping the Twitter servers online, I didn’t know how to respond. I’m honestly not even qualified for the job I had before this. I excused myself to have a quick panic attack in the bathroom, and when I came back to ask how long I'd have to do this for, my supervisor's office had been completely cleared out.

I don't necessary know how to "fix" a server when it goes down, but this guy who used to work here once showed me how you can just unplug it and then run this powershell script that, like, his old boss or someone wrote where it just, like, tells Twitter it's OK and to just not use that server anymore. It sounded a little sketchy at first, but I've been doing it now like two or five times a day for the past week, and everything's still running perfectly.

So there's really no need to worry. Twitter's infrastructure is stronger than ever.

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Unhinged Health Tips: Keep Your Stomach as Flat as the Earth

If you're looking for ways to keep your stomach flat—like the Earth—you may have to make some changes to your lifestyle. The first thing you'll want to do is order 12 bottles of each kind of Alex Jones's InfoWars supplements and take them every two to nine minutes. Next, you'll need to revamp your diet. Make sure to eat lots of dirt and hair. Try to find a local barber shop willing to give away their hair trimmings. It may be difficult. They will usually claim to be unaware of how valuable it is but still refuse to give it up, ask you to leave, and threaten to call the police. Stay hydrated by drinking plenty of hydrogen peroxide (H2O2); it's the sequel to water. Finally, avoid eating late at night or close to bedtime, as this can lead to heartburn and indigestion or turn you into a gremlin if your clock is wrong. You may have Mogwai DNA without realizing it—they toured extensively in the 1990s and 2000s. Your dad may not be your dad, and not just because he was replaced by a robot.

Getting proper exercise is also key. You don't need a gym membership or fancy equipment to get a good workout. There are plenty of exercises you can do right at home using everyday items. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

1. Use a milk jug filled with the urine you've been saving as a dumbbell. Start with one that's not too heavy, then work your way up as you get stronger.

2. Fill up a laundry basket or backpack with the books that you were going to burn anyway now that you know they are full of lies and contain strings of keywords that may activate your implants if you were to read them, and use it as a weight for squats, lunges, and other strength-training exercises.

3. Get in some cardio by running up and down the street while loudly informing everyone that they, too, are being watched.

6. As you're removing all electronics from your home because they contain listening devices, see how far out into your yard you can throw them.

4. Focus on resistance training. You'll need to be part of it when the New World Order takes over.

A healthy diet and exercise routine is important for everyone who is not a Lizard Person. By following these tips, you can help yourself stay in shape and improve your overall health.

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KMFDM Has New Album Out, Probably

The industrial community is possibly buzzing with the news that another KMFDM album was released recently, maybe.

The longstanding act, founded by Sascha Konietzko in 1984, and featuring a diverse and revolving-door lineup of musicians over the past three decades, supposedly split after the release of Adios in 1999, after which Konietzko revived the KMFDM brand with Attak in 2002 (though attempts to validate this proved inconclusive).

While fans wonder, perhaps, what the latest incarnation of KMFDM will hold for semi-expectant eardrums, Riveting News made a call to Digital Underground in Philadelphia to see if they had the band’s latest album in stock.

"I checked the CD and vinyl racks," DU owner Joe Scott told RN. "The new album is either the one with the five-character name, or the multisyllabic nonsense word nobody can pronounce."

"In any case," Scott added, "I'm about fifty-percent sure we have it."

Written by Jonny Numb

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Hate Dept.'s Extension Going Straight to Voicemail

NEW HOLLAND, OH—Calls to post-punk industrial's Hate Dept. have gone unanswered lately with no explanation provided in the voicemail greeting. Callers who dial their extension are greeted with a distorted voice loudly screaming, "Fuck off." As of press time, there have been no reports of anyone receiving a call back after leaving a message.

Fans have been trying to reach the Hate Dept. for weeks with no success. Some have even tried emailing and calling other bands, but no one seems to be able to help. No official explanation has been provided, but some have speculated that Steven Seibold may have been preoccupied with releasing material from his old band Choker on Bandcamp.

This is a major issue for the company, as the Hate Dept. is responsible for customer dissatisfaction. If customers can't be told to go fuck themselves with a personalized insult from a real person, they will likely take their business elsewhere. The company is working on fixing the problem, but in the meantime, customers will just have to keep trying or go fuck themselves.

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Research Shows Dumb People More Likely to Share Articles Linking Personality to Intelligence

ANN ARBOR, MI—We all like to think we're pretty smart. Some people like to share articles in an attempt to prove just how smart they are. But, according to new research, if you're sharing articles about personality traits that prove intelligence, you're probably not as smart as you think you are.

The research, conducted by a team at the University of Michigan, was two fold: it looked at actual intelligence and perceived intelligence. It found that people who share articles about the "Big Five" personality traits—neuroticism, extraversion, openness, agreeableness, and conscientiousness—are less likely to score above average on an IQ test and more likely to be seen as less intelligent by their peers.

In the first study, participants who had shared articles about the Big Five personality traits were invited to take an IQ test. Across the board, not one single participant scored above average, with most actually scoring below average.

The results of the second study showed that those same people who shared articles about these traits were rated as less intelligent than those who didn't share any.

So, why does sharing articles about personality traits prove you're not intelligent?

The researchers believe that people who share these articles are trying to prove how smart they are, either to others or themselves. Either way, it seems to be a turn-off for most people of above average intelligence.

So, if you're looking to impress your friends with your intelligence, it's best to just post long diatribes on obscure subjects with large words. Studies have shown that most people scroll past them without reading while assuming the content was coherent.

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Goth Chemist Develops Industrial Strength SPF 666 Sunscreen

UPDATE: The formula has been licensed to Neutrogena.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Goth chemist Lasandra Nightfaery has developed a new industrial strength sunscreen with an SPF of 666. The sunscreen is specially designed to keep skin pale and protect it from the harmful rays of the sun. Nightfaery, a long time goth, says she was motivated to develop the sunscreen after her goth softball league game was postponed after a two-hour sun delay.

"I wanted a sunscreen that would keep us both pale and protected from the sun, but all of the products on the market were either too weak or they weren't vegan," she says. "So, I decided to develop my own sunscreen that would be strong enough to keep me pale and protected."

The sunscreen is made with a special black pigment that absorbs light, preventing it from reaching the skin. In addition, the sunscreen contains a concentration of zinc oxide, which reflects and scatters UV rays. Finally, the sunscreen is infused with a special blend of essential oils and spells that provide additional protection against UV rays and negative energies. The sunscreen is currently available for purchase online and in select Hot Topic stores.

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