Mall Santa Confesses to Being One True Santa, 14 Murders

CHESTNUT GROVE, NC—A beloved mall Santa has left a community awestruck by revealing a closely guarded secret: He is the one true Santa Claus and committed a string of grisly murders in 1971. What began as a whimsical tale turned into a holiday miracle and then a horrifying tale when an independent investigation supported his extraordinary claim.

The announcement came during a routine visit from children eager to share their Christmas wishes with Santa. With a twinkle in his eye and a hushed, somewhat creepy tone, the mall Santa confessed, "I just can't bear to keep it a secret any longer; I am the real Santa Claus. I am also the Kringle Killer." The revelation, initially met with a mix of nervous laughter and disbelief, soon became the talk of the town.

Local news outlets and curious residents scrambled to uncover the truth behind the mall Santa's extraordinary assertion. A team of independent investigators, led by renowned mythologist Dr. Emily Harris and Agent Bill Miller of the FBI, embarked on a mission to verify the authenticity of this festive yet sickening bombshell.

After weeks of meticulous research, the investigators uncovered a trail of historical records, eyewitness accounts, unexplained phenomena, and mitochondrial DNA that linked to the mall Santa's past. Dr. Harris, visibly astonished by her findings, declared, "The evidence is overwhelming. This man, who has brought joy to countless children over the years, is indeed the real Santa Claus." Added Agent Miller, "It would also appear that he brutally murdered over a dozen people."

The records revealed a pattern of inexplicable events surrounding the mall Santa, such as time-defying travel patterns and firsthand testimonies from individuals who claimed to have witnessed both magical and violent occurrences. Dr. Harris emphasized that the evidence was consistent with centuries-old legends surrounding Santa Claus. Agent Miller stated that DNA evidence collected with the help of Interpol has linked the man to multiple unsolved fatal stabbings involving a sharpened candy cane. The stabbings all occurred during an 8 hour window spreading across the globe, none of which had been previously linked to the others by any law enforcement agencies. An internet urban legend, however, has for years claimed that four murders in the Baltic region were committed by one perpetrator dubbed The Kringle Killer.

As the news spread throughout Chestnut Grove and beyond, the town's residents found themselves at the center of a holiday fairy tale and horror story. Families marveled at the realization that their local mall Santa had been the real deal all along as well as a dangerous psychopath, embodying the spirit of Christmas in ways they never imagined.

In a press conference, Agent Miller read a statement from the now-confirmed Santa Claus/Kringle Killer in which he addressed the community, expressing gratitude for their continued belief in the magic of Christmas. "I've been honored to bring joy to this community and beyond. Your belief in the spirit of Christmas has made my journey all the more magical, and I am deeply ashamed of my actions that night in 1971."

As the holiday season reaches its peak, Chestnut Grove finds itself forever etched in the annals of Christmas lore, having hosted the real Santa Claus and simultaneously a brutal spree killer their local mall. The enchanting yet horrifying revelation has both rekindled the magic of the season and brought closure to the families of the deceased while leaving residents of a small town with a newfound sense of wonder and terror.

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Opinion: Labeling Regular Donuts as Cream Filled Should be a Federal Crime

The gas station donut industry has operated without oversight for too long. The time has come for the federal government to step in and finally start protecting its citizens from negligence.

Three times in a row, I got fucked by multiple Kwik Trips labeling regular long johns as cream filled long johns. Do you know how devastating an experience that is? It's a God damn travesty that will ruin your entire day. It's upsetting to the point that I've started breaking them in half before I buy them. This practice has saved me from further heartache twice already. And you've no idea how hard it is to not throw half an actually not cream filled donut at the nearest sky blue shirt and scream.

Some or maybe all of you might be thinking, "Relax, it's just a donut, and maybe stop eating so many donuts."

And to that I say, "No."

The issue is not as simple as just not getting the item you paid for. Eating a cream filled long john is a very specific experience: First you bite into one end—unless you're a complete psychopath, then maybe you eat your long johns like corn on the cob; I don't know. For whatever reason, I started writing this in second person, and I believe in consistency (unlike some gas stations). So, you start eating your donut and you're (probably) not a psycho, so the first couple bites are plain donut. That's normal. But, oh, you know it's coming. Soon you'll get to taste that rich cream. No, that's 100% your own brain making this weird, so just stop it; I'm trying to tell a story.

The anticipation is part of the experience. You don't actually know on which bite you will finally get to the cream, but you know and trust that eventually you will. When you finally do, you take note of how soon or late you got to the cream, and in that instant, in some small way, you relive every other cream filled long john you've ever eaten. And now, as you're into the cream bites, you know they will end soon, and you'll be left with regular donut once again. This is a sad reality you accept, and it makes you appreciate every cream filled bite so much more. Or maybe you're a fucking wild man, and as soon as you hit cream, you flip that sucker around and start from the other end so you can end on cream. I'm not judging. That's a life of decadence few dare to live, so you fuckin' go for it.

Eating a cream filled long john is a delicious roller coaster. Now imagine you're on a roller coaster that never reaches the top of that first suspenseful incline; it just keeps going. That's what happens when some total dick head puts a regular long john on the cream filled long john tray. On bite three, you're like, "Aw, damn. Probably not much in this one. I hope it's just off center and goes all the way to the end," because you're still excited and full of hope. Bite four, it's starting to hit you: the possibility that life is not what you thought—not what you were promised. You half know you're full of shit when you think to yourself, "Maybe there's at least a little at the end."

Then you take your fifth bite of the very obviously just a regular fucking donut that some asshole put on the cream filled tray. You realize that you've just eaten most of a perfectly good regular donut, but you didn't get to appreciate it for what it was, because you thought it was something else. And that's what's so truly heinous about this whole thing. Not only do you not get to enjoy the donut you wanted, but now you didn't get to enjoy the donut you had. God, that's fucking dark. I haven't seen the new Saw movie yet, but I guarantee you none of the traps are that fucked up. So now here you are with a few bites left of a completely normal donut you don't even want but could have wanted. Do you eat the last few bites and try to enjoy them for what they are, or will you throw it away, disappointed in everything and everyone in the world around you? Live or die, make your choice.

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How to Disguise Needing a Drummer for Your Band as a Christmas Gift for Your Kid

Are you struggling to find a drummer for your band? Do you want to surprise your child with a meaningful gift this Christmas? Why not disguise your need for a drummer as a Christmas gift for your kid? In just a few easy steps, you can fill the vacant role in your band.

Step 1: Talk to Your Child

Do they have any interest in music? First and foremost, you've got to make sure that your offspring has a desire to create music. Be sure to repeatedly express how fun and fulfilling it is to be in a band. Withholding affection from your child may encourage them to jump at the chance to join your band if it means feeling closer to you.

Step 2: Research Drum Sets

Research drum sets and decide on a budget that works for you. Consider the level of skill you're looking for in a drummer and the type of music you want to play. Look for beginner sets that are the right size for your child.

Step 3: Buy the Drum Set

Purchase the drum set and wrap it up as a Christmas gift for your child. Make sure to emphasize how excited you are to see them play and how proud you are of their musical talent.

Step 4: Plan a Jam Session

After your child has opened their gift, plan a jam session with them. Set up the drum set and play some music together. This is a great opportunity to show your child some of that affection you've been withholding until this point. Let them know how proud you are of their excitement for music. This should instill in them a desire to bond with you over your shared passion.

Step 5: Mention Your Band

As you're jamming, casually mention your band and how you've been having trouble finding a drummer. Ask your child if they know anyone who might be interested in playing with you. This conversation should feel natural and not like you're forcing them into anything. If the aforementioned emotional blackmail had been executed correctly, they will jump at the chance to become your new drummer and even believe it was their idea.

Conclusion:

Disguising your need for a drummer as a Christmas gift for your child can be a creative and thoughtful solution to a common problem for bands. It's a win-win situation for both you and your child, as you get to fulfill your musical dreams, and your child gets a new instrument to play with while getting the approval they crave.

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